What your boss actually means

He says:               Do it at the earliest.

He means:            Do it before my manager asks me.

He says:               Do the needful.

He means:            You are all alone. I am not going to help you.

He says:               It is your responsibility.

He means:            If you are at fault, you are screwed. If you do it well, I will take the credit.

He says:               Are you facing problems with cab facility?

He means:            Are you coming on time?

He says:               The clients demand it.

He means:            I demand it.

He says:               I am your colleague.

He means:            *There is a hot girl in your project group*.

He says:               I am open to any suggestions.

He means:            I am open to suggestions which are exactly synonymous with my views.

He says:               I want this work done at any cost before EOD (end of day).

He means:            Even if you get hit by a car, you die only after completing the work.

He says:               If you are able to handle this part of the job, you will learn a lot.

He means:            I am too lazy to do my own work. You do it.

He says:               You are my valuable resource.

He means:             Don’t ask me any holidays for the next six months

           

Monsoonish love story

The monsoon had started and I was standing outside my office building waiting for the rain to stop so that I could go home. A pretty girl was walking towards my building so slow that it was evident she gave a damn about getting drenched. Like any normal Indian IT professional, I kept staring at her without giving her a nice smile because we are programmed to be pleasant only to clients. Spotting my obvious interest, she turned towards me and gave me a wide smile. Though I was overly excited, I gave her a laid back outlook.
‘Nice rains no’ she remarked. 
 Detecting her animated eyes, ‘Yeah, I love the rains. ’ I lied.
‘Then why are you standing here? Go enjoy the rain.’
I chose to ignore the comment. But for not wanting to end the conversation, I nonchalantly asked ‘Do you work here? I have never seen you here.’
‘No. I just come to play in the rains.’ She winked. 
Before I secretly started to cry inside, she asked ‘I am hungry, why don’t we get something to eat?’ biting her lips in anticipation. Not any sane guy would say ‘no’ to that question. And is she is biting her lip, we don’t even give it a second thought.  My heart beat was out of control; my mind was playing romantic music in the background and I followed her like the dog in the Hutch advertisement.
Over coffee, we spoke for a long time, hours passed by like minutes. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed staying at office after the stipulated hours. It is not always you connect with a person as soon as you meet them. I felt we were destined to meet. Before she left, I casually asked her number. But when a girl offers a guy her number, she has also given him the permission to woo her. Ha ha.
We started meeting for breakfast then we had even lunch together. The best thing about our meetings were, we never looked at our mobile phones, we were so engrossed in our conversations, we didn’t have to do anything to get entertained when we spent time together. So much to talk, so little time. One thing led to another and finally we fell in love. No proposal, no flirty talk, no conventional confirmation we just knew the transition. I so loved it. I have always imagined love to be spontaneous and my dream was becoming a reality.  
The best part was I never had to woo her, she loved me the way I was, and I loved her even more for that. For a guy overly obsessed with himself, this is like snowfall in Chennai. Of all the things your loved one could offer, the feeling that makes you feel good about yourself cannot be substituted. And she did and does just that. Making all the possible sacrifices one could, to make a relationship work. But I didn’t reciprocate. Obsession is like a disease, you will have to take the medicines, you cannot run away from it. And i realise it now. Almost forgot. The guy’s name is Siddarth and the girl liked to be called Pari. 'Even the....'
She suddenly started sobbing. Pleading to stop narrating the story, I stopped. The phone line went dead and so did a part of me. I stand before the mirror reluctant to look at my own face. Why the self-centered me never thought about her future or her happiness?  Wanting to slap myself a hundred times for hurting such a beautiful person, I drove towards the airport replaying all the beautiful moments we shared. Praying to God to give me one more opportunity, I reached the airport and realized the rain had stopped completely, the only reason why I opted to bring the car. I sat at a coffee shop far from the check in counter. I didn’t want her to see me. My throat went dry; I knew I was going to breakdown. I rushed towards the parking area eyes filled with tears. Deep down, I felt that I would meet her. There she was; standing under the tree with her eyes equally wet. I nervously walked towards her and told her ‘Even the smell of earth after rain will be put to shame before the smell of her hair. That is how it ends Pari.’ She cried even more and hugged me like she never had. I kissed her and looked at the skies. Bringing the car wasn’t a bad choice after all.

49 reasons why Moms are amazing

1.       Because no one would ever take up a job which expects them to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year with no hikes or incentives.

2.       Because if men were the ones giving birth, we would have bears not babies.

3.       Because the girls you know don’t hug.

4.       Because breaking a pickle jar is a bigger thing than failing in an exam.

5.       Because home is a garbage dump without her.

6.       Because the chutney she makes is better than any restaurant’s Indian relish.

7.       Because we never know the amount of work she does unless she stops doing them or we try doing it even for a day.

8.       Because she knows what we want before we do.

9.       Because they are the emotionally strongest people around but still they choose to cry over lame stuff. 

10.   Because her worried look is the prettiest reaction ever.

11.   Because she gave birth to legendary kids.

12.   Because she knows the state of mind you are in just by hearing your voice.

13.   Because when she is near you, crossing the road without holding her hand is the difficult thing ever.

14.   Because she never complains about her chores.

15.   Because she knows you like Milo better that Boost.

16.   Because she loves you for what you are.

17.   Because she kisses when you are sleeping.

18.   Because even after you start earning, she gives you pocket money.

19.   Because she doesn’t frown when we ask for money.

20.   Because she secretly supports the football club or cricket team you support.

21.   Because the shitty handwriting you have is art for her.

22.   Because staying mad at her is difficult.

23.   Because she is astounding

24.   Because she is remarkable.

25.   Because she is wonderful.

26.   Because she is incredible.

27.   Because she is miraculous.

28.   Because she is astonishing.

29.   Because she is sweet.

30.   Because she is pretty.

31.   Because she is beautiful.

32.   Because she is lovely.

33.   Because she is gorgeous.

34.   Because the adjectives in English are not enough to describe her.

35.   Because she is your mother.

36.   Because you want to hug her now.

37.   Because you have a picture of her in your wallet.

38.   Because amazing is synonymous with moms.

39.   Because you already knew the above reasons.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  ***

40.   Because you were deeply upset when my history teacher complained about my naughty nature. That day I promised myself that I would never ever make you upset again (so I stopped informing you about parent-teacher meeting). I agree I was naughty, but far from being the naughtiest.

41.   Because when I got posted to Pune, the only thing worrying was the language in which you would communicate to your future daughter in law.

42.   Because you give me the same sambhar you cooked on Monday till Wednesday night.

43.   Because you try to act strict and you expect me to believe that.

44.   Because you make my stupid jokes look hilarious.

45.   Because refilling your car petrol tank is a necessity and refilling my motorcycle petrol even for a hundred rupees is waste of money.

46.   Because my friends love you too.

47.   Because you cannot control your urge to pull the low waist jean upwards. But asses are a sensitive area my dear mother, if you pull it up it hurts.

48.   Because in the year 2007, I forgot to wish you on your birthday and you still complain about not wishing on that day.

49.   49 reasons because it’s your 49^th birthday. Happy birthday mummy. Love you.

Though there may be a few points that you may feel doesn't make a person amazing, that is the whole point. She does not have to be perfect to be amazing. I bet you will call/kiss/hug/miss her. Take care of your lovely mothers, I bet you will. God bless.

Broken Wings

Disclaimer: Bosses, family friends and relatives are the best things that can happen to you. Left parents out intentionally because, they are the best things that make you happen. Any resemblance to living things is purely coincidental. But if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it. Though, I didn’t write this blog with any negative jibes, if you are offended even after the disclaimer, God bless.

                                                                           *********

Do you want to throw an effing brick on your monitor every single time you look at it? Do you regret not taking up something which you love, as your career? Well then, welcome to the birdie group with broken wings. Itching to fly but hopelessly hopping around, kicking your own ass for letting the fear of failure or the opinions of people cut your beautiful wings. Though there may be a number of reasons why you ended up this way, remember it’s never late to fly again. Life is like a multiple choice question, there are no wrong answers to it until and unless the choice you make keeps you happy. Have you chosen the option that will make you happy or have you settled for the less suitable ones?

Stories about people who gave up their lucrative corporate jobs to follow their dream inspire us a lot, but when it comes to implementing it in our own lives, we are risk averse. Rather, I feel we want everything, money, job security, social acceptance but without risking anything. This is the primary reason why most of us settle for the jobs which we aren’t inclined to. If we respect every profession equally, we would have a great mix of people from various fields. Now all we have is a great mélange of unhappy engineers from different streams. We as a nation have narrowed down the possibilities and have become blind to most career choices. We feel that being a doctor, an engineer or a charted accountant are the only viable options available. We have shut the doors on most novel career choices by discouraging them.

Cynicism is like charity, it beings at home, I used to mock at people who pursued unconventional interests like photography, film making and the sundries. But when ‘I’ was laughed at, I was deeply hurt and I wanted to shove a hamburger up his ass. This made me realize that no dream is small, no profession is inferior and no one has the right to ridicule the choice of others. Respecting each other’s dreams empowers our own self in a way that we never imagined.

However cliché it may sound, money cannot buy you happiness, similarly it cannot assure a happy career. Our parents want to shield us from any form of failure, they spend their hard earned money to put us into the best colleges and opt for the best courses so that we could have a smooth career and eventually a happy life. But is that the career we actually want? These colleges may have recruiters from commendable companies with admirable paychecks. But if you are staring at your watch on a Friday afternoon craving for the weekend to come, what difference did the paycheck make? Maybe it bought you a Johnnie Walker rather than a Royal Challenge.  If this is the only difference it made, you have missed the real party. Do what you love, and I can assure you that your work will become your party. Money is the most overrated thing on the earth while happiness being the most underrated one. No, I am not naïve. I know money is required for even basic amenities. Money is important, but only when you don’t trade it for happiness.

Apart from money, security is a big spoiler which keeps us from doing what we love. Security is a bigger threat in regular jobs than unconventional ones. The pool of qualified candidates is so large that every person is treated as a resource and each one is easily and readily replaceable. And when you don’t enjoy your job, it makes you extremely attractive to your HR’s (you wish!). Even human life doesn’t have security. That’s why you can insure your life and not assure it.

You will meet people who will judge you, people who will treat you by the size of your wallet, and people who will hint that they are better than you every single time you hold a conversation. You could either crib or bitch about them, envy them or even try to have the life they have. This may or may not shut them up, but it will definitely make your own lives miserable. For every individual is unique, and so are his choices. You don’t have the choice to control the opinion of others, but you can choose not to get affected by it. Don’t be worried about being called a misfit; skeptics can’t stand the sight of a nonconformist making even the smallest of progress. But don’t loathe them, pity them. Think how miserable their lives are, when putting you down every single time gives them a sense of achievement. Remember, when you shoot for the stars, look beyond the buildings.

When you decide to follow your dream stand by it whatever happens. Because choosing a profession you love and not performing to your potential is great injustice to the talent you are gifted with. If you want to be a footballer, you should be prepared to give your hundred percent even to the non-glamorous part of the sport like the rigorous training, endless travelling and dieting. Fortunately or unfortunately we know only the fancy side of their lives. The ninety minute match you witness is not only a showcase of the players’ performance on that particular day but also the toil put in over a number of years. Though, a lot of them never get to play at a bigger stage, but isn’t it better than not trying? The regret you carry for not trying is far more disappointing than the failure of becoming an international player. Maybe it paid you less and probably you couldn’t afford fancy cars but you never gave up, for the joy of doing what you love is greater than any material possession. You don’t have to be a millionaire to be called a winner.

The truth is we spend more time in the journey than at the destination. It took fifty years of struggle for Morgan Freeman to be where he is today. Behind every successful man, there are a lot of unsuccessful years. So enjoy the crazy ride. Even if you are failing, keep going, you are on the right track. Good luck.

‘What would you do if you get paid in happiness rather than dollars?’

The girl without the dragon tattoo

Year 2000 and I moved to a new locality. Instantly I fell in love with it. It was so refreshing to see the neighborhood guys playing cricket and the huge playground they had to play. As generally we don’t find grounds to play in my city. The crowded shops, the video game joints, pani-puri stalls, my new locality had it all. I then met the girl, the girl without the dragon tattoo:  A cute and bubbly girl with short hair held using a hair band; all her crooked teeth braced together to make it even prettier, her animated eyes when she smiles could make any heart melt.

There is something about her that made others instantly forgive and forget all the troubles she caused. Imagine a fourth grade girl walking up to the vegetable vendor and asking him to give her a tomato to eat and telling him that,” I will not pay for it. And if you don’t give it for free, god will poke your eyes” A girl, who has the nerve to break a television, a girl who can walk up to a guy and challenge him for a bicycle race. She is a definitely one of a kind. The day she asked me for a cycle race I had a feeling that I would be friends with her. Strangely, I never took the initiative to talk to her (probably didn’t have the balls). Now back to the bicycle race, I started the race well before time, as irony has it, that was the first and last time she will ever chased me. Though, I must say that I was never interested in girls due to my shy and studious nature. I was so innocent that the only chemistry I knew was between chemical elements and not opposite sexes. If ISO audits the behavior of guys, I would be taken as the benchmark.

We started spending time together and with every passing day we grew closer. The friendship bloomed with time and so did her dad’s business. Sadly for me, they shifted to a better locality far away from my home. Then for the first time in my life, I knew how hard it is to fill the void created by a person, when they leave. But time is the best medicine. Though the first few months were boring as hell, the memories faded with time and I had forgotten her completely. At least, that’s what I thought though. A few years passed by and my life had changed a lot, personality included. I was not the same shy boy anymore. I was turning confident or arrogant, or you may call it, I started having an opinion.

The guy who said ’two people meant to be together, will be together ‘, is a genius. And boom she was back, this time I had to use a new set of adjectives to draw a mental picture. Beautiful and classy rather than cute and bubbly. The adolescence wave had hit her too, the talkative and naughty girl was now a silent and shy person. I so loved the changed demeanor and so did the other guys (guys if you ever do it again, I will find you and kill you).

The only reason I still respect the board exams is that she shifted to her relative’s place to prepare for it. So boom, she became my neighbor again. Though I have turned arrogant, showing attitude towards girls is a sin *winks, pretty girls* and moreover I was genuinely excited. So as soon as I met her, I gave a nice wide smile. She gave me a surprised and disgusted look and walked away. My male ego was badly hurt, visible bruises zero, internal bruises hard to count. I promised myself that I will never ever and ever again smile at her. And you would definitely know that arrogant people can be very adamant too, my determination level was on a life time high. Few weeks passed by and it was very awkward even when we met accidentally. I avoided looking at her and tried my best to show her that I am avoiding her. Few days passed by and all of a sudden, I heard a sweet voice calling out my name. Involuntarily, I knew it was her. She waved and asked if she could borrow my newspaper. My shameless hand responded and I obliged like a dog. I broke my promise to my own self (‘shame shame puppy shame, all the monkeys know your name’ one part of me was teasing the other part). This newspaper borrowing became a routine, not that I was complaining. I was enjoying it even. After a few weeks a tiny smile and a dangerous blush accompanied the routine. Though I didn’t have any feelings for her, any guy would have few minor heart attacks if a pretty girl smiles.

I was in doubt whether she is in love or just a shy sweet girl. Moreover my mom always warned me that,” Even if girls fall in love but they will study, but guys wont. You are already 65% and if you fall in love, gone baby gone.” But before my mind can process any of this, heart started its betrayal (God used china made processor for mind, but snapdragon processor for heart). Within a span of few weeks, I developed the blushing syndrome too. The only job I had was to wait for her to come and collect the newspaper. I am probably one of the best newspaper delivery boys that the world has never seen. Now we started exchanging smiles and glances, nuclear fission will be put to shame in comparison to the number of reactions that were taking place inside me every single time she smiled.

After a year I walked up close to talk to her, I gave her a year’s so that she can be comfortable, as you already know I knew no fear. Okay, I never got the courage, she spoke to me. She asked me if I could fill in her scrap book. And I wrote, ‘the things that I love are cars, bikes and you’. I felt so complete, I thought my job was done. And I was confident that she would call me to tell me that even she is in love. My city looked greener, the sky bluer, everything was so perfect. But breaking hearts is easier than peeling the skin of a banana for girls. She didn’t call and she didn’t even bother to smile. But I got a text from her and it read ‘hello brother’ (Sad emoticon + Crying emoticon + Angry emoticon = my face). Animated movies show that heart breaks perfectly in the middle, into two equal halves. But in reality, it looks like pieces of Lays after Mr.Inzamam Ul Haq had sat on it.

But when you are even close to a person as awesome as me you are bound to fall in love. Ha I know you cannot throw tomatoes and eggs on me while reading a blog. But the process of making a girl understand your love and to convince her that life is going to be perfect ever after is a tough job indeed. All I can stay is it takes time and it is worth the wait. And when it happens, she attains full power, you will never regret giving her the key to the crazy ride called life. Because that what makes you complete. She becomes your second mother, first critic and primary banker. That girl doesn’t have to have a perfect ass, doesn’t have to look like a model, doesn’t have to be a fashion icon, and doesn’t have to pose like a duck. All she has to do is just turn up and your arteries will start its job. Even scuba diving or racing doesn’t provide you the equivalent amount of rush that a single eye contact from girl you love could. She will walk into your life for sure. When she does hold on tight, like you would hold on to a branch of a tree if you know that if you leave it, you will die. Because, in the good times you can have fun with anyone, but in the bad times you can have fun with only ‘THE ONE’.

By now you know it is a happy ending. But still, the messages

Girl without dragon tattoo: Hi. U der?                                                                                                    

Boy: No.

Girl: Pls listen to me.

Boy: What do you want? Just leave me alone. You told me you don’t have any feelings right.

Girl: Not that, I am afraid. Tat is wat I meant.

Boy: Afraid of what?

Girl: Whether this would work out? I don’t want 2 get into smtg and walk out with a broken heart.

Boy: * jumps up and down* you called me brother and now you are telling me that you are afraid. Trying to fool me again? But all I can tell is that I love you and we will be happy together. Trust me.

Girl: Okay J J

Boy: Okay? Meaning what?

Girl: U already know.

Boy: *typing*

Girl: I love you, always have been you (Received June27, 2008).

Cultural roots

     People say that sport is a great leveler, I disagree. According to me, grandmothers are the greatest levelers. Who else has the nerve to call an expensive curved phone a defective piece? My grandmother, maternal to be precise, born and brought up in a small beautiful town called Kollangode in Kerala, is a seventy year old dame. Sporting a turtle framed spectacles. Long grey hair, white sari, wrinkled but beautiful skin, medium -sized temple and beautiful eyes. She definitely is a stunner at seventy, couldn’t help but imagine of how my grandfather would have been the focal point of envy among other guys in his days when he got engaged to my grandmother. Use any adjective that is synonymic to beautiful, and she would fit in.    

You guys have no idea on the number of degrees I did sitting at home. Right from entrepreneurship, interior designing, sarcasm engineering, story-telling, jugaad technology and many more. You know what an awesome student I am (55 percent aggregate with an equivalent amount of KT), I am sure you are excited to know how this child prodigy pulled it off. But be very sure that I will not let the truth spoil the beautiful journey of this twenty-four genius. Ha just kidding, well, this is how.  I did my Bachelor of Engineering in Electronics and Communication, no surprises there. Now the big question, why did a guy like me who does not know to use the television remote properly take up electronics? My mom made me believe “no engineering degree no wedding bells, no girl will ever marry a non-engineer.” Still couldn’t find the logic behind my mom tying the knot with a high school drop-out. Relatives showered support “Choose E&C you can either go into hardware or software”.  But my college called me a misfit and didn’t bother to shape me up. With nothing else to do, I chose to graduate from the university called life, since my life was already screwed (the word which rhymes with duck is what I intend to say), The University called Grandmother was the only option. Not only did this university provide me all the degrees but also fed me at regular intervals.

Most grandmothers are very knowledgeable in various fields and if you are very lucky like me, she can be a banker to the poor (me) unlike the RBI (dad) who lends to other banks (mom, uncle).

The entrepreneurship degree- the whole exercise of watching her sell old newspapers and buying new plastic items from the salesman. Sustainability- using smaller cups when the coffee made is less compared to the people present. Interior designing- getting this degree was a bit scary. I learnt this when she made my hookah pot the flower vase and placed it on the dining table with a feeling of accomplishment on her face. God was so kind that my parents were out of town during the interior designing course. But, the most important lesson is to love even the small things you do, whether making a phone call or serving people food she enjoys it every bit.

My mom caught me red handed while on a date with my girlfriend (ex now) boom started the drama, endless crying, persuasion, mental conditioning and intimidation. I decided to talk to my grandmother about it, told her how serious I am about the girl and she was more than happy to help me out. My new found love guru called my mom and had only one thing to ask “If he shouldn’t fall in love now, when should he? After becoming old like you? ”. My mom hollered “You do not know how to raise a child”. My mom should have known, never battle grandma, grandmother with her sheepish grin delivered the sucker punch “Very true, guilt surrounds me every single time I see you”. This was enough to keep my mom away from my love life forever. The sharing of my love life with my grandmother made her more comfortable in sharing her own story with me. Right from love, pain to the meals she has skipped to feed her children. This made me realize how lucky I am. To be able to eat all three meals every day is in itself a big blessing.

 Thirty-five years old, widowed, five young children to nurture. Most people would have asked for help from relatives or send their children to work. But not this Iron Lady. She had a vision, and it was to provide quality education to her children, when she herself didn’t go to school beyond the second grade. My grandmother starting her own food outlet at the age thirty-five is no less than Ray Kroc at the age fifty-two based on the influence it has brought over my family. Waking up at 4 AM in the morning and preparing the required items for the food outlet, getting her children ready early so that she could go and look after her business. Management experts say managing finances is the toughest job for any start-up, and that is her forte. No business degree, never read a management book. Was she lucky? Was she street smart? No one knows. But it is the same case with other entrepreneurs as well right. More than being called a biz woman, I would call her an awesome leader and a great observer. She is a great lover of cricket and she used to look at all the 20-20 matches and tell me if this format is like a gamble, it is better to select people who could hold their nerves than people with excellent skill. Dhoni said the same thing few months later in a post match interview. You got no idea the goose bumps I had when Dhoni said that. After three years, things started looking up. With her dynamic personality and hardworking nature success couldn’t hide itself anymore. Beyond the money, it was all about giving her children good education and getting them married to the right person. To pull off five Indian weddings is as tough as running the Kingfisher Airlines.

Be it the rhythmic snores, the curious glances at the smart phones, the way she kidnaps the sweet box inside her room, the assurance she gives to my mother, that, I was studying the whole day when all I did was watching football over her delicious bhajjis.  I love it all, so genuine and childlike. Maybe all grandmothers aren’t so much fun. But one thing they are. They are all awesome in their own right.